Clarence, they're here.
I'll be there in a minute.
- Clarence! - I hear ya!
- Clarence, they're waiting! - I'm coming. I'm coming.
Clarence, could it be him?
No. It was probably just those punks that broke in Tibbits' house last Halloween.
What do you want?
I want the skull.
I don't know where it is.
It's not here.
Give me the skull.
Wow.
I don't believe it.
- Wow! It's big, isn't it? - Yep.
It's definitely not built to code.
How many generations of your family lived here?
I don't know.
Who decorated this place?
Wow.
Looks like something's missing.
Great... I thought the electricity was supposed to be on, Jesse.
Yeah, it is. The switch must be out.
Is there a phone in here?
Great.
John Statman, please.
- 'Hello.' - John, hi. It's Kate.
- 'Hey.' - Sorry I couldn't call you earlier.
- The car phone doesn't work out here. - What's the house like?
Well, it's a pit, but Jesse's completely in love with it.
How did the meeting go? Is he interested?
No?
Great! We could have had him recording in the studio by early next month.
- 'What should we do? - We've got to find somebody fast.
Did you go see that new band down at the Miner's Club?
Raw indie, don't you think?
You're absolutely right. Hey did you get that letter from...?
I don't believe it.
That's my mom and dad.
Hey, I was pretty cute.
That was my grandfather.
So he must have been my great-great-grandfather,
Jesse McLaughlin. They named me after him.
What on earth were you doing?
I couldn't sleep, so I went downstairs to just look around.
What is that?
But I don't do it.
Oh, my God.
Quit it!
Oh!
♪ Da da da da da
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
- Aw! Hey, you didn't have to do this. - Sure, I did.
You're the only person I know that's ever been famous.
Hardly famous, Charlie. Nobody reads this magazine.
Oh well, you know. I mean, I have to admit, I don't look at the pictures.
I only read it for the interviews.
What? No, you don't!
Hey, look at this couch, nice and comfortable.
Wait, wait, right there.
- Here? - Yeah.
What?
Can you hold on for just a second?
♪ That I'd be taken up to hyperspace
♪ It seems so strange
♪ I only touched you
♪ And then you walked right through... ♪
- Excuse me. - Oh, hi, Kate. Hey.
The music too loud? It's bothering you?
- What is this you're playing? - That's "Puce Glitz and the Avoiders."
- "Puce Glitz"? - Yeah, that's my stage name.
- This is you? - Yeah and I'm her manager.
Kate, I uh feel compelled to tell you we are weighing several offers
from some big producers, but to drop names would be tacky.
But you don't have a contract yet. I mean you haven't signed anything yet, have you?
Oh no! We don't believe in success.
We want to make a lot of money and be real famous but no success.
No, there's a very subtle difference, you know?
John? I've got to get back to you.
I think I may have found what we're looking for.
♪ Sweet sensation
Ow!
♪ Sweet vibration
Hmm.
They're different.
This one's got jewels in its eyes.
- They're not the same skull. - Hey, Jess, what you doing there, huh?
- Come on Charlie, give it. It's private. - Hey, this is cool.
- Looks like it's old. What is it? - Come on Charlie, give it.
- Not until you tell me what it is. - It's nothing.
- Promise you won't laugh? - Yeah.
- You'll never believe me, anyway. - Sure, I will. OK, here take it.
Fine. See this guy?
It's my great-great-grandfather. He has the same name as me.
He was an outlaw in the old west.
- OK, I can buy that. - Yeah, look at this skull he's holding.
It's made completely out of raw crystal.
And this guy in the background, this is Jesse's partner Slim Reeser.
Now, he and Jesse had a falling out over the skull
and became bitter enemies.
Slim died without ever getting the skull from Jesse.
Now, look at this. See this skull?
And now it's different from the one here in the book, right?
I mean this one has got jewels in the eyes.
- Wait, wait a minute. - But, listen to this. OK.
Um, all right.
Legend has it, that there was a second skull
that had untold powers that could unlock the mysteries of the universe
and bring eternal life to those who possessed it.
So, question is
if this is the legendary second skull, where is it?
Uh, why you asking me? I mean, how am I supposed to know?
Charlie, Charlie, um... there's an old cemetery up on the hill.
Jesse was buried there in 1916.
But look here. It says, that when the Aztecs buried their dead
they wrapped the bodies in several layers of cloth
and they surrounded them with their weapons and jewels.
It was worth millions? Was it a lot?
I say, let's go for it.
There's nothing down here.
Let's quit.
I don't care if all the money in the world is down here.
I just want some sleep. I'm really tired.
- Charlie. - Huh?
- We got it. - Oh, no.
No.
- You got it, Charlie? - Yeah.
I give up. I can't feel anything. Please, let me die.
Charlie.
Jess, what?
Come on.
I don't have time for this, Jess. What's in there?
Charlie!
Help me, you idiot.
Oh, oh, oh, Jesse!
It's me.
- I'm your great-great-grandson. - Huh?
They named me after you. My name is Jesse, too.
Huh?
My-great-great-grandson?
- What year is it? - I don't know.
Now, don't you mess with me, boy.
Uh, 1986.
It's October 30th, 1986.
Well!
Goddamn.
You know I've been waiting over 70 years for some jackass
to get the sense to come dig me up.
Thank you, boy.
Well.
There she is.
There is something special about this old house.
Can't you feel it? I can.
Come on.
Let's go this way.
Where you going?
There.
Remember boys, this house is a temple,
as fantastic as any pyramid or castle you'll ever see.
It don't know time or space or any of that hogwash,
but the forces of evil are always after this skull
and you've got to help me to protect it.
So don't let no one touch the dang thing, ya hear?
Here.
You can sleep on this.
Is this the way you treat family?
Making him hide down in the basement like some slimy old lizard?
Well, I'm sorry. I must be out of practice.
- I don't have any family, sir. - Don't call me sir.
I ain't no politician.
Heck, I'm your great-great-grandfather.
You can call me Gramps.
That's what your granddaddy used to call me.
All right. Gramps.
Well.
- Uh, we better hit the hay. - But I'm not tired.
I don't need no sleep.
Well, let's get me cleaned up and then we go out on the town
and do a little high steppin'.
- I don't know if that's such a good idea. - Why not?
- There's nothing wrong with me. - No. There's nothing wrong with you.
Yeah, well something is bothering you. I can see it in your eyes.
Look, I'm just as fit as a fiddle. I'm...
Oh, no.
I'm supposed to be young again.
Gramps, maybe you should...
Look at me.
I'm a 170-year-old fart.
A goddamn zombie.
Well, you look really good for a 170-year-old zombie, Gramps, really great.
I ain't gonna die, if it's the last thing I do.
What in tarnation is it?
Gramps, this is a 1986 Alfa Romeo Spider.
Zero to 60 in 7.3 seconds.
Let it out slow.
There you go, real slow.
Charlie!
Yee-haw!
- Will you look at them stars? - Whew!
You know, they were clearer back in the old days.
Sometimes they were so bright, you couldn't get to sleep.
Well you know, Gramps, it's the ozone.
I mean.
I mean, you know, insect repellents
you know, under arm deodorants,
maybe just a pinch of communism is making the stars fade away.
You're drunk!
Whoa!
I'd better drive.
Charlie?
Jesse, you old golf bag, how are you?
John, what are you doing here?
Oh, well, your beautiful lady informed me that she's found the Madonna of the '80s.
I thought I'd better come by and check it out.
Hey, I thought Madonna was the Madonna of the '80s, huh?
Very good. Who's your friend, Bozo the clown?
No. Bozo the death machine.
Charlie, Charlie, this is John Statman, Kate's boss.
He's the president of Heretic Records.
OK.
OK. OK, John Statman, of course, hi.
This is really a pleasure. I'm really happy to meet you.
Charlie Coriel, manager of "Puce Glitz and the Avoiders."
- Kate! - ♪ Tada!
- Here she is. - Great. You have the tape?
- Where are you going? - We're doing lunch.
John made a special trip out here to meet Lana and listen to her demo tape.
See you later, Jesse.
These are great!
They just keep coming and coming and coming.
Where the hell they all coming from anyhow?
Damn!
I broke it.
- Have a brewski, Gramps. - Thanks.
I hate this doggone box
Got all them channels and got nothing interesting to watch.
'There I was, in the middle of Kansas facing 500 crazy fanatics
'and me with only 15 soldiers...'
Now you take this Ronald Reagan fellow, he sure is a pansy.
He wouldn't have lasted ten minutes back in the old days.
'..There comes a time in every soldier's life when he must stand or fall alone.'
It wouldn't do no good to tell you how it was. You had to be there.
All them movies and books and crap,
they don't tell you how it really was - it was rough.
I got a question for you. Whatever happened to Slim Reeser?
Slim Reeser ain't part of my vocabulary no more, son.
We had a disagreement about who the skull belonged to.
- What did you do? - I shot the scallywag is what I did.
Well, he took a shot at me first, so I had to teach him a lesson.
And I left him to die in the Mojave Desert.
And that was that?
Yeah, well that was that.
Gramps, did you ever rob a stagecoach?
- Sure. - All right!
All the time.
I robbed a stagecoach once just outside of Dodge City.
Now, every day at about 5:30, it used to come into the bank
with a bag of money that would give an elephant a hernia.
We set up on both sides of a little gorge
just outside of town and when the stagecoach come on through...
...and they chased me around them hills
and clean across the border into Arizona territory,
but I was riding for about two weeks without ever getting out of the saddle,
trying to lose them fellows.
...holding them off with just two pistols and a Winchester.
All of the sudden I take an arrow right through the leg,
right there and another one in the shoulder, right there...
...the cage was never uncovered again
and there must've a billion dollars in diamonds and jewels down there.
Now that's something I intend to search for,
just as soon as I get rejuvenated.
- Shh. - What?
I hear something.
Yeah, it sounds like music.
- What time is it? - Bring back some more beer.
- Hey, how's it going? - Cool!
I invited some people over for Halloween.
I forgot!
Sorry.
Enjoy.
Hey Smith, how you doing?
Get over here.
Guess who!
- Rochelle! - Long time, no see.
It's been so long since I've seen you.
Yeah, it sure has.
Excuse me, we need to talk outside.
- How long you out here for? - Like a week.
- Would you hold this trash for a minute? - Sure.
You look great.
Now, I know some people down in Hollywood...
- Charlie. Charlie. - What?
Look. Gramps. What is he doing?
- He looks like he's about to score. - Yeah, but how did he get up here?
Will you relax? It's Halloween. He blends right in.
All right, Gramps! Go for it, pal.
Hey, excuse me. Hey Susan!
- Isn't he great? - Yeah, he's an old friend, from way back.
Hey! Excuse me!
Hey!
Hey, watch it.
- Jesse? - Uh-huh.
Um, can I talk to you?
- Out in back? - Sure.
- I'll meet you there. - Okey-dokey.
Hey.
You better pack your ass in a suitcase and head for Panama.
You jerk!
I knew it was her all along! Stupid fool!
Take it easy! No, wait. Please.
No! Charlie, stop him.
Hold it!
Charlie, there's a jungle in there.
- Can I get you something? Water? - Valium, get me Valium.
Whiskey, get me whiskey.
I need the skull.
Without it I'm a goner for sure. Don't let him get away.
- Gramps, there's a jungle upstairs. - He took it in there.
He's from the Stone Age, kid. You've got to stop him.
Don't worry, he's a pushover.
Gramps, I don't think you understand. There is a jungle...
Jesse, in the wrong hands that skull could cause trouble.
Now, go!
Charlie.
Ha!
Charlie, don't sneak up behind me like that.
Well, I just happen to have this in the trunk of the car.
You never know when you're going to need one in a pinch, huh?
What is it?
This is an Uzi, semi-automatic firing weapon.
- Charlie, this is a machine gun. - So?
So.
So, what about me? What do I get?
Only had the one Uzi, you know, but uh... I got one of these.
- What do I do with this, light cigars? - No, you shoot people with it.
Duh.
OK.
On the count of three, you're going to kick the door open,
run in there blindly and I'll cover you, OK?
The guy with the big gun goes first.
OK.
- Ready? - Yeah.
One, two...
Hold on.
One, two, three.
- Ow! What are you doing? - Making sure you're not dreaming.
Charlie.
Nobody's home. What do we do? We need a plan.
Yeah, let's get the skull and get the hell out of here.
Good plan.
Thanks, Charlie.
Gently, please!
Take your best shot.
Huh?
You coward!
Come back and fight like a man!
- Where did he go? - He ran away.
Tail between his legs! Chicken shit barbarian.
- Charlie, we got it. - All right!
The skull is ours!
Woo-hoo! Yes!
No! Oh no.
- Come back. Wait! - Hey Jesse, don't lose it!
This one.
Go on, hurry up.
- Jesse. - Yeah.
Don't worry. If you fall you'll die real fast.
Thanks, Charlie
A-choo!
You're doing great, Jesse! Keep going! Ow!
What an idiot.
Ow!
Hey, Jesse, looking good. Wish I had a camera!
OK.
Nice bird.
Nice birdie.
Jeez!
All right.
Come on, Jesse.
Jesse, a bird there! Look!
Jesse, get out of there, come on.
Come on, Jesse.
Jesse, are you coming?
Come on! Get down!
Come on!
Catch me!
Charlie, catch me!
I got it. I got ya, Jesse.
What the hell was that?
It sounded like a bomb.
Why didn't you use the stairs?
Charlie.
Charlie, you all right?
Agh!
Get him off me! He's eating my leg!
Get him off me.
Jesse!
He's eating me alive.
Charlie.
- Charlie! - He's...
Hey.
Hey Jess, can we keep him?
Well, who's going to take care of him, Charlie?
I'll feed him, change his water and stuff.
Charlie, help me.
And don't forget the beer.
Come on.
Get him.
Hey, uh, Jesse?
Damn!
Charlie, hi.
Hi, John. Lana.
Easy.
Come on.
Come on, give it back. It's nothing to worry about.
- We heard a noise. - Noise?
Oh, oh, the really loud crashing noise.
Yeah.
Pretty much that one, yeah.
Gotcha!
- Give it back! It's my skull! - The noise in the kitchen?
Yeah. Look, we just want to know everything's OK.
- Couldn't be better. - Oh, really?
Nice... Nice bird.
Listen, I wanted to tell you before the evening got away,
you are a funny, funny guy and I mean that.
That is the hardest commodity to find in our business, really.
Look at this shirt. Is this him? They're bananas, bananas.
Stay.
- Where is the beer? - What are you doing out here?
Somebody's coming!
Do they go all the way around the back? They do!
- Uh-huh. - Hi, John.
- Buddy, what's cooking in the kitchen? - Nothing.
No? And what might be in that closet there?
- Nothing. - Nothing? Well, can I see?
John, I just told you there's nothing in the closet.
Well, let me see nothing in the closet.
It, uh, wouldn't happen to be your old friend Rochelle in there, would it?
John, what is it you're accusing me of in my own house?
I'm not accusing you of anything.
I'm just asking a question, but I do think Kate would like an explanation.
You want an explanation?
All right, I'll give you an explanation.
Kate, Kate, get in here! Kate, I need to talk to you.
- Why are you yelling? - I'm not yelling.
Now Kate, you know that since we got here
there's been some strange things going on in this house.
Charlie! They want an explanation and I'm going to give them one.
Now, listen.
All right now, Charlie and I, last night, went to the cemetery
and we dug up my great-great-grandfather's grave.
We were looking for a crystal skull. It's supposed to be magic.
Anyway, we dug it up and we got the skull,
but we also found my great-great-grandfather.
He was dead, but he's alive.
I mean he's a mummy and we brought him back
and he's been staying in the basement.
And Charlie and I have just been running through this jungle
trying to get the skull back.
And that's who's in there, for your information, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Hi, Rochelle.
What are you doing in here?
There's been a mistake.
- Apparently. - You don't understand.
- I understand perfectly. - No, Kate, listen to me.
I have no idea what she was doing in there.
- Well, who did you think was in there? - A mummy!
Or maybe even a baby pterodactyl.
Shame on you, Jesse.
Look! It's a prehistoric bird.
Kate!
Here, let me get those from you.
Good riddance. She's out of here.
Now we can do whatever we want.
Run around in our underwear, phony phone calls, all kinds of crazy...
Shut up, Charlie. Can't you shut your mouth just once?
- Surprise! - Gramps, where's Rochelle?
Watch this.
Jesse.
I waited so long for you.
Rochelle, it's great to see you, but I'm having some family problems right now.
You understand?
Hey Charlie, can you call Rochelle a cab?
- Hey, Chucky. - Hey, don't call me Chucky, OK?
It's very sweet of you to come.
Thanks.
Hey there, birdie.
How about a little trade, huh? OK?
Come on. Come to Daddy.
- I think he wants some more. - I don't have any more steak.
Now, I know that smells good.
Daddy's going to have it ready right away. Right away.
That's a puppy, yup, yup, yup.
I know. I know. Daddy knows.
Now, open your mouth.
Yep, yep, yep.
Gramps.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You got me a little upset.
I was just hankering to play a joke on somebody and...
I'm sorry that it turned out to be you.
That's enough, Bippy.
Bippy, that's enough.
Now look, you go on out and play.
That's it. There you go.
Um, Gramps, look, I got to get to bed.
Do you want me to put the skull back on the fireplace?
I'll take care of that.
Ah.
Bippy.
You little rascal.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
Gramps.
Jesse, Jesse boy.
- Are you all right? - They bushwhacked me.
It must've been 30, 40 of them.
They come at me from all directions.
Charlie, get up. Charlie, come on.
Charlie.
Charlie, wake up.
Get up!
Charlie, come on.
Come on.
Oh Jesus, Charlie come on.
Charlie.
Charlie, get up.
This better be real important.
- Gramps lost the skull. - What?
Somebody, I don't know who, stole it.
He's dying, Charlie. We've got to get it back.
After all we did for him, he loses it? I can't believe he did that, Jess.
I mean I never met anyone so irresponsible.
- You know I risked my life for that... - Charlie!
- Yeah? - Uh, uh, Bill.
- Bill Tanner, electrician. - Uh, Jesse McLaughlin.
Nice to meet you, Jesse. A young lady called. Said you needed some work done.
- She did, huh? - The fuse box down in the basement?
Uh, listen Bill, I'm sorry to trouble you, but this really isn't the right time.
That's all right Jesse, I'm not going to get in your way.
You just show me what needs fixing.
This is quite a room you got here. Yeah, very, very nice.
- That's a weird fireplace, though. - Uh, Bill.
- Bill. - So, what we got in here?
Ah, there it is.
Three mount 240. These old houses are loaded with them.
So this the room you having problems with, Jesse?
Yeah, all along this wall, but the rest of the house is fine.
I wouldn't worry about that, Jesse. It didn't look too valuable.
Yep, yep, yep, just as I expected.
Jesse, you got a problem here,
but hey, like with any problem you don't want to let it get the best of you.
You know, I've been working on these houses for about 20 years now.
I've seen enough tragedy and disaster to make you want to upchuck in your shorts.
You see, these old houses they uh, they just got minds of their own.
You know and ya just got to teach him who's boss.
You know, just sort of give 'em a spanking.
Huh. Must be foreign-made.
Well, I'm going to fix this old house up for you Jesse,
just like it's brand spanking new.
- What is that? - Shh.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ah.
- What do you hear? - Ah, Jesse, Jesse, it's not good.
I've seen this before and it's always made my adenoids curdle.
Hey, don't monkey with those switches, It's going to blow us both to Milwaukee.
It's touch and go from here, pal. Could go either way, Jesse.
Oh, hey, hey, Jesse. Want to step into my office here, for a second?
Listen buddy,
I like to be alone with my work, so if you don't mind...?
- Sure. - You got something to do?
- Sure. - Go do it. buddy.
Go do it.
Nice kid.
Oops.
Weird!
See anything?
Forget it.
I'm not going up there. Gramps can get his own damn skull.
Come on, Charlie. Gramps said they went in here, so don't wimp out on me now.
Hey, buddy.
- Oh, scared you, huh? Relax. - Oh God, Bill, are you all right?
- Yeah, fine, fine. - Who is this?
- Uh, Bill. - Bill Tanner, electrician.
Charlie Couriel, entrepreneur.
Fellas, we got a little problem in the other room. You better come have a look.
Look Bill, I'm sorry, but this really isn't a good time.
Why don't you pack it up and come back tomorrow.
I think we better go in the other room and have a look.
Yep.
There it is.
Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something.
Thanks.
Come on, Charlie.
Guess I'm next. Hey Jesse, are there any spiders in there? You know...
You coming, Charlie?
I don't know, it's an alternate dimension in there or something and uh...
Incredible.
Well, hold on a second, will ya?
Uh, I've been through this kind of thing before.
Don't touch anything until I get there.
Looks like you're going to need the help of a professional.
- You got a flashlight? - Yeah.
You know something? I'm incredibly scared right now.
- Don't be a fag, OK? - Shh! Listen.
I think it's coming from over there.
- There it is. - Yep.
Well, it's not going to be easy.
They're not going to sacrifice her, are they?
Hey Jesse, now, is she a virgin? Because I've never seen one before.
She's really dynamite!
Hey!
No!
Oh, boy.
Hey, come on.
Well, I'm sorry we thought she was somebody that we knew.
Go ahead and enjoy. It's OK.
Watch this.
Wa-hoo!
Neat, huh?
Thank you.
Come on. Come on.
Get her out of here.
Jesse!
Aagh!
Come on. Get out of here. I'll hold them off.
- Bill, I don't remember which way. - Follow the string.
Come on.
- Bill, come on. - Don't worry about me.
I got to get home. It's my kid's little league night.
Where's Bill? I don't see him.
Hey Bill, all right.
Ah, Charlie, good to see you back. I started to get a little concerned here.
- Hey, hey Bill, what are you doing here? - You guys throw one heck of a party.
I'd really like to thank you for inviting me along uh, Jess.
It's been a pleasure and Miss...
It was a pleasure to meet you.
Oh and Jess, listen, if you need any more work done
just give me a call there, huh?
- Take care, Charlie. - See ya.
Who was that man?
- Where the hell's the food? - I'll go check.
Tell him we're starving.
You know, I've been watching her and she really likes you.
Seriously, she likes you.
- Come on, Charlie. - No, I'm serious.
Watch.
Who do you like better?
Me or him?
Me, Charlie fun, you know, crazy guy, right.
Or him?
I rest my case, Jesse.
Ow!
All right. Well, if everybody's hungry, dig in while it's hot.
Jess, shouldn't we say grace, you know, say a few nice words about God or whoever?
Oh.
All right. Uh, I guess I'd just like to thank everyone
for their special contribution to the meal.
And to say that I guess I think of all of you as, well, my family now.
That was well put, son. Now, let's eat.
Slim.
You low-down weasel.
I've been waiting for you.
Long time, partner.
Charlie!
He's mine.
I knew you'd catch up with me sooner or later.
Gramps!
Gramps.
Charlie!
After all this time.
He got me.
You're going to need this.
He's the one that killed your ma and pa.
Oh, my God.
Charlie!
Jesse.
You and you, come with me around back.
'Hostage sniper hold-up in the 175 Wood Acre Drive...'
- What's up, Vinnie? - Sheriff, we got a crazy in there
- shooting up the whole neighborhood. - The old McLaughlin place.
That's right. We just found who owns the place. Jesse McLaughlin.
It's old Clarence's son. Just moved in a couple of days ago.
- Clarence's son? - Yeah.
He's moving out tonight. Let me talk to that son.
- What's his name? - Jesse.
Jesse. We got the place surrounded.
Why don't you come out peacefully and give yourself up?
We don't want anybody to get hurt.
Now, it's mine.
Get down. Hold your fire.
What the hell's going on in there?
Jesse!
Hold your fire!
Did you blow his head off?
That's a good boy.
I thought for sure he'd kick your ass.
- But I didn't let on though, did I, son? - No.
No, you didn't, Gramps.
This is it, kid.
You're not going to die.
The skull is right here.
It don't make no difference no more, son.
I've done all I can do in this world.
And it's time to move on.
No. No, don't.
Now, you get what you want from this old skull.
I got something real special.
I got to meet my great-great-grandson
and I had a hell of a time.
You figure what you want and then get rid of the goddamn thing.
No.
Come on.
Come on, Gramps.
Hold on.
Hold on, Gramps.
I love you, Gramps.
I love you too, Jesse.
Jesse, this is your last chance.
Come out with your hands up.
I'm going to count to ten and then we're coming in firing.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...
Agh!
- Take cover! - Gun fired!
Yee-haw!